War Stories

I love war stories. Whether in movies or written form, based on present day event or from long ago, I've always been fasinated by war. Of course, I'd never want to be engaged in a war myself. I'm Zulu, but not that Zulu. I just love the stories of bravery,  stupidity, recklessness and greed which go along with it. From Isandlwana to Waterloo, from Braveheart to Apocalypse Now, I can get lost forever in such epic events.

I recently came across a story which quickly became one of my favourites. I found it on a humour website called Cracked which is my best source for these. This one took place sometime in the 17th Century, when the Ottoman Empire (Turkey) had blockaded the Cossacks/Zaporozhians (Ukraine). During the blockade, Sultan Mehmed of the Ottomans wrote the below letter, openly defying the Zaporozhians:

I, the Sultan, son of Mohamed, brother of the Sun and Moon, grandson and vicegerent of God, sovereign of all kingdoms: of Macedonia, Babylonia, and Jerusalem, of Upper and Lower Egypt: king of kings, ruler of all that exists; extraordinary, invincible knight; constant guardian of the grave of Jesus Christ; trustee of God himself; hope and comfort of Moslems, confusion and great protector of Christians, command you, the Zaporozhian Cossacks, to surrender to me voluntarily and without any kind of resistance, and don't permit yourselves to trouble me with your attacks!

Turkish Sultan Mohamed

He was clearly trying to intimidate the enemy into submitting to him before he has to go through the trouble of actually killing anyone. What a coward!! The pen isn't always mightier than the sword, you know. The other guys saw through his obvious cowdung, and responded with my favourite grouping of words this side of the Redemption Song:

Zaporozhians - to the Turkish Sultan

You Turkish Satan, brother and comrade of the damned devil and secretary to Lucifer himself! What the hell kind of knight are you? The devil sh*ts and you and your army swallow it. You aren't fit to have the sons of Christians under you; we aren't afraid of your army, and we'll fight you on land and sea. You Babylonian busboy, Macedonian mechanic, Jerusalem beer brewer, Alexandrian goat skinner, swineherd of Upper and Lower Egypt, Armenian pig, Tatar goat, Kamenets hangman, Podolian thief, grandson of the Evil Serpent himself, and buffoon of all the world and the netherworld, fool of our God, swine's snout, mare's asshole, butcher's dog, unbaptized brow, may the devil steam your butt! That's how the Cossacks answer you, you nasty glob of spit! You're unfit to rule true Christians. We don't know the date because we don't have a calendar, the moon is in the sky, and the year is in a book, and the day is the same with us as with you, so go kiss our buttocks

-Chief Hetman Zaxarcenko with all the Zaporozhian Host

Isn't that just beautiful? Those are some of the most eloquent insults I've ever heard, and I doubt they've been topped ever since. Who ever knew that war could bring up your creative side so well? Maybe even our soldiers will come back from the Central African Republic to become master poets/songwriters.