If Soccer Teams Were Women

If soccer teams were women:
  - Orlando Pirates is the love of my life, my main chick. I love her with all my heart, even though she makes me cry every now and then.  But when the chips are down, I can always depend on her
  - Kaizer Chiefs is the pretty, dumb girl in the neighbourhood who thinks she's all that because the taxi drivers are always hooting at her. She's been wanting me her whole life and she hates my main chick coz she doesn't understand what my main chick has that she doesn't. But besides her cheap weave, fake eyelashes and short skirt, she doesn't have anything of substance to offer
  - Mamelodi Sundowns is the daughter of the rich family. She drives the latest BMW but has been stuck in grade 10 for the past 4 years
  - Lamontville Golden Arrows and AmaZulu are my side chicks. They're cheap and easy. I use them for booty calls whenever I visit Durban and my main chick isn't around
  - Moroka Swallows is the cougar. She used to be very hot back in the day but has now depreciated.  She used to date my uncle and now she wants me to be her Ben10. Anever shame
  - Chippa United is the girl who thinks she deserves to be my girlfriend just because we go to church together. She's always sending me bible verses and asking if we can pray together. But besides her religion,  she's an empty vessel
  - Jomo Cosmos is the village bicycle, everybody uses her to practice their shooting skills. She never loses hope of finding Prince Charming though
  - Supersport United is the township nerd. Nobody takes any notice of her until she buys her parents a brand new house. Everybody admires her but nobody likes her
  - Bayern Munich is my celebrity crush. She's perfect in every way and is every guy's dream girl, just that she's unattainable.  I daydream about her whenever my main chick is giving me headaches
  - Bafana Bafana is my crazy baby mama. She's always giving me pain and heartache but I can't get away from her. We're stuck for life and my happiness is linked with her happiness,  unfortunately :(

War Stories

I love war stories. Whether in movies or written form, based on present day event or from long ago, I've always been fasinated by war. Of course, I'd never want to be engaged in a war myself. I'm Zulu, but not that Zulu. I just love the stories of bravery,  stupidity, recklessness and greed which go along with it. From Isandlwana to Waterloo, from Braveheart to Apocalypse Now, I can get lost forever in such epic events.

I recently came across a story which quickly became one of my favourites. I found it on a humour website called Cracked which is my best source for these. This one took place sometime in the 17th Century, when the Ottoman Empire (Turkey) had blockaded the Cossacks/Zaporozhians (Ukraine). During the blockade, Sultan Mehmed of the Ottomans wrote the below letter, openly defying the Zaporozhians:

I, the Sultan, son of Mohamed, brother of the Sun and Moon, grandson and vicegerent of God, sovereign of all kingdoms: of Macedonia, Babylonia, and Jerusalem, of Upper and Lower Egypt: king of kings, ruler of all that exists; extraordinary, invincible knight; constant guardian of the grave of Jesus Christ; trustee of God himself; hope and comfort of Moslems, confusion and great protector of Christians, command you, the Zaporozhian Cossacks, to surrender to me voluntarily and without any kind of resistance, and don't permit yourselves to trouble me with your attacks!

Turkish Sultan Mohamed

He was clearly trying to intimidate the enemy into submitting to him before he has to go through the trouble of actually killing anyone. What a coward!! The pen isn't always mightier than the sword, you know. The other guys saw through his obvious cowdung, and responded with my favourite grouping of words this side of the Redemption Song:

Zaporozhians - to the Turkish Sultan

You Turkish Satan, brother and comrade of the damned devil and secretary to Lucifer himself! What the hell kind of knight are you? The devil sh*ts and you and your army swallow it. You aren't fit to have the sons of Christians under you; we aren't afraid of your army, and we'll fight you on land and sea. You Babylonian busboy, Macedonian mechanic, Jerusalem beer brewer, Alexandrian goat skinner, swineherd of Upper and Lower Egypt, Armenian pig, Tatar goat, Kamenets hangman, Podolian thief, grandson of the Evil Serpent himself, and buffoon of all the world and the netherworld, fool of our God, swine's snout, mare's asshole, butcher's dog, unbaptized brow, may the devil steam your butt! That's how the Cossacks answer you, you nasty glob of spit! You're unfit to rule true Christians. We don't know the date because we don't have a calendar, the moon is in the sky, and the year is in a book, and the day is the same with us as with you, so go kiss our buttocks

-Chief Hetman Zaxarcenko with all the Zaporozhian Host

Isn't that just beautiful? Those are some of the most eloquent insults I've ever heard, and I doubt they've been topped ever since. Who ever knew that war could bring up your creative side so well? Maybe even our soldiers will come back from the Central African Republic to become master poets/songwriters.