The Chessboard Of Life

I love playing chess. I’ve been playing it since primary school. I don’t play it that often, and I’m not particularly good at it either. But I thoroughly enjoy playing it when I do. It’s a game of strategies and tactics. There are set rules and regulations for each and every piece on the board, different rules for each piece. Yet the possibilities of play are endless. You can use the very same strategy of play and have a different game every time.

I find there to be many similarities between the chess game and the game we call life. In the same way that there are unchangeable rules and regulations in chess that you cannot change, there are natural and societal laws of life that you can never change. However, in the very same way that you can use the rules of chess to affect a different outcome everytime, you can always use the laws of life to you advantage. As you may know, chess was developed to be an illustration of the battlefield, with the two sets representing two equal armies fighting against each, with victory being decided by which king is captured first. In this piece, I will try to draw certain parallels between chess and real life, and show how you can use these parallels to develop a winning attitude towards life. I will do this by going through each of the pieces of a chess army and what they may represent in our lives. This is my personal interpretation, not a definitive work in any way. Hopefully, those who don’t play chess might also learn a thing or two. It’s a long piece so bear with me. Here goes:

The Pawns

The pawns on a chessboard represent the foot soldiers in an army. They are slow in movement, and they are very limited in terms of the amount of damage they can inflict on the enemy. They only move in one direction and that’s forwards. They can only move one square at a time, although you can move two squares at the very beginning only. And they can only kill the enemy in a diagonal one-square move. Many chess players will choose to sacrifice the pawns to protect the rest of their pieces, and the pawns are individually less powerful than the rest.

The pawns represent the little things we do in life in order to keep going. Waking up in the morning, exercising regularly, eating healthily, going to church, reading your Bible, being well dressed and presentable, saying “please” and “thank you”, cleanliness, punctuality, spending time with family and friends, obedience etc. The little things that we tend to take for granted. You might even skip them every now and then, or altogether. They’re tedious and boring, and you’re never really aware of their benefit in your day-to-day. However, this is what keeps you going. This is what kicks you off in the morning. This is your fuel when you’re empty. It’s not very exciting, but it’s essential to the sustainability of your success. Never neglect the little things in your life, the habits which lead to success. It’s the baby steps that lead to giant strides.

Speaking of which, during a game of chess, if you manage to successfully manoeuvre one of your pawns to the opposite end of the board, you are allowed to exchange it for one of your more powerful pieces which may have been captured before!! So you see, if you manage to keep doing the little things, they will eventually become very big things you can use to your advantage.

The Rook/Castle

The rook sits in the corner of the chessboard. It represents the towers which would normally be at each corner of the wall surrounding a city/castle, and the sentries (lookouts) who would be stationed at the top of each tower. Their job was to lookout for any impending attacks, and to report on the progress during battle. The rook itself can only move and kill in a vertical or horizontal direction, but it can move across any number of squares, whether forwards or backwards, to the left or right. Like most of the chess pieces, it cannot travel over another piece on the board.

For me, the rook represents your sense of diligence. How aware are you of your life? How often do you perform a SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) on your life? Are you aware of any cracks which may have started appearing on your wall? Can you sit back, take a bird’s-eye view of your life and be honest with yourself about where you’re at? Can you successfully protect your territory from infiltration by the enemy, whether through your senses, pride, complacency etc? Have you perhaps allowed sin to take over your life and you don’t even realise it? Sometimes we become too comfortable in our past victories or whatever little safety nets we may have in our lives, and we take our safety for granted. Every now and then, you need to perform an honest, all-round assessment of yourself to see if you’re on the right track, and destroy any elements which may be taking out your infantry.

The Knight

The knight represents the mounted soldiers, those who fight on horseback. These are the flexible ones, they are trained in the art of war and know how to lead the foot soldiers. They are brutal and unpredictable. The knight itself is limited in the distance it can travel across the board, but it is unique in that it’s the only piece that doesn’t travel in a straight line and, importantly, it’s the only piece which is allowed to jump over other pieces which may be in it’s way!! It moves and kills in an L-shape, 3 squares at a time (either 1+2 or 2+1) and it can move in any direction desired. Because it doesn’t move in a straight line and can jump over other pieces, it is perhaps the most difficult piece to predict (well, to me anyway).

For me, the knight represents your flexibility, your ideas, your creativity, your adaptability and your ability to think out of the box. What are you doing in order to achieve your goals and vision? What’s your plan? What’s your backup plan in case the first plan doesn’t work? How do you react to failure and rejection? Are you open to learning new ideas and processes? Can you recognize the weaknesses of your competition, and use those weakness as your strength? Can you think on your feet, in the thick of battle, or do you tend to panic and freeze? These are essential questions to ask yourself, and good skills to acquire. The world is an ever-changing place and if you don’t change with it, you will be left behind.

The Bishop

The bishop represents the spiritual leader/seer during a time of war. In ancient times, before going to war a king would always consult his senior bishop/prophet/sangoma/medicine man, so that they would have good fortune during the war. At times, the bishop would accompany the army to battle to provide blessing, and to also keep the king informed of the plans of the gods during the battle, and advise accordingly. The bishop piece in chess is a powerful piece. Like the rook above, it can move and kill in any direction it desires (forward of backward), across any number of squares. However, unlike the rook, it can only move diagonally. This means that any one bishop will always be limited to one colour of squares, it cannot move across colours.

For me, the bishop represents your support structure, your mentors and advisors. People who have a deeper insight than you have concerning the path you’re walking on. It could be your pastor, and business leader, a teacher or lecturer, youth leader, a parent, a professional in the field etc. You need to surround yourself with people who can provide you with inspiration and motivation, and people who can give your proper and relevant guidance. People who have walked your current path and seen where you’re going, and they can give your pointers along the way. This can make your journey much shorter and more efficient, as you can learn from their mistakes so you don’t have to commit them yourself. Find role models, people who believe in your vision, and leverage off their knowledge and experience.

The Queen

The queen is arguably the most powerful and versatile piece on the chessboard. You can see it as a combination of the rook and the bishop above. It can move in absolutely any direction it desires (forward, backward, left, right AND diagonally) and across any number of squares as well. However, it can only move in a straight line and it can’t jump over other pieces like the knight. It is a very powerful destroyer as it has fewer rules governing it and can infiltrate the enemy faster than any other piece (it had to be a woman neh, go figure).

For me, the queen represents your mental and spiritual tools. Your faith and your knowledge. How much do you know about the enemy, and how much confidence do you have in yourself to overcome? What have you studied? What have you observed? How can you put your knowledge to good use? Do you believe in the promises that God made in the bible? Do you understand those promises and the conditions attached to them? Have you applied yourself to learning so that you can acquire those blessings quicker and more efficiently? Does your faith remain solid and firm through the storms and the persecutions? How is your mental strength? Are you easily discouraged or do you keep fighting even after one arm has been cut off? What explosive powers do you have inside of you? This is the power of the queen. Faith and knowledge/wisdom. A combination that cannot be held back by even the universe itself. Harness this power and your victory over the enemy is all but confirmed.

The King

The most important piece on the whole chessboard. The aim of the whole game is to capture the enemy’s king or render him immobile, all the while protecting your own king from capture. The king is very similar in movement to the queen above, in the sense that it can move in any direction (forward, backward, left right and diagonally). However, the main difference is that it can only move one square at a time. And because the king is the centre of the whole game, it is rarely used as an attacking piece. Indeed, all the other pieces are used to make sure the enemy doesn’t come anywhere near the king. Boring piece then, this. Sometimes you even forget it’s on the board.

However, all defences can fall eventually. There’s a play in chess called Check. This is when the enemy is in a position where they could potentially capture your king, but you can still escape somehow, whether by moving your king from that position, capturing the enemy piece that’s threatening your king or putting another one of your pieces between the king and the enemy. In this instance, you have to do something to protect your king immediately. A Checked position only lasts for one move, then you have to do something about it, otherwise you lose your king. Then there’s the final blow called Checkmate. This is the end of the game. This is when the enemy has your king in Check as above, but you have no way of escaping capture. Whatever move you make you can’t escape. This is the objective of the game, to get the other person’s king in Checkmate, as you have won the game in this way.

For me, the king represents what is most important to you: your salvation. This is the objective of life. Preserving your life beyond the 80 years you will live on this planet. And, whether you realise it or not, EVERYTHING in life is centred around your “king”. Whether you’re protecting your king or exposing it to the enemy, this is what matters, this is the essence of life. Everything else you do with your life leads up to this. You should use all that you have to protect your king. Even if everything else in your life has to be sacrificed, if you sacrifice to protect your king, and you do so successfully, you have won!! Like the king, salvation can be boring to think about. Indeed, most people only remember salvation at funerals. It’s limited in terms of its applications to your life here on earth. It’s a far-off vision, something only old people should worry about. But that’s exactly what the enemy wants you to think. He wants you to neglect your king, and you only wake up when he says “Checkmate!”. Don’t do that. Don’t neglect your king. Protect your king at all times. Nothing is worth compromising the safety of your king, no matter how exciting it might look at the time. Your king is important. Your salvation is the objective of the whole game of life. Make sure you win.

There are times when the enemy will have you in Check. You will fall into temptation and sin. You will betray Jesus. You will be unfaithful. You will fall on your journey. And the devil will accuse you and tell you that you’ve lost your salvation because you’re now in his hands through your sin. Most people tend to think Check is the end. Once they’ve fallen into that trap, it’s over, the king is lost. But it’s not lost. You can ALWAYS get out of a checked position. Even if you’re surrounded all over, it’s not over. Sometimes the enemy will try and fool you into thinking he’s got you in Checkmate but he hasn’t. It’s only check, but he doesn’t want you to see the way out. If you have an opportunity to get out, get out!! The only time it’s over is when the enemy says “Checkmate” and it really is Checkmate. And Checkmate is death. It’s only over when one of you is dead. If you’re still breathing, you’re not out of the game. Never forget that.

Castling

In closing, there’s a move in Chess called Castling. This move can only be made once in the game. You “castle” by moving your king two squares towards the rook, and moving the rook to the other side of the king. It’s a rarely used move, and only experienced players will “castle” during an average game, usually to protect the king from a potential checkmate and not as an offensive move. But it’s a game-changer. It’s the only time when you’re allowed to move more than one piece at once, and in one move you can get yourself into a position that would normally have taken you five moves. However, there are strict conditions attached to castling:

• Both the king and the rook cannot have moved prior to castling. In other words, the castling move must be the first move for both the rook and king. For this reason, you can only castle one during a game

• There cannot be any pieces between the rook and king at the time of castling

• You cannot use the castling move to capture one of the enemy’s pieces, it’s not an offensive move

For me, the castling move represents the curveballs that life tends to throw at your from time to time. That moment when you’re placed in a corner and you have to make a huge, life-changing decision. And such a decision will transform everything. It will move you away from family, it will make you more than a few enemies, it will bankrupt you, it will damn-near kill you. But you have to make the move. And in the process of making that move, you have to keep your king alive, protect your king at all times. Sometimes you have to take that risk. You have to leave everything behind and chase your dreams. Sometimes you’ll be forced to leave everything behind. Life will rip everything away from you and leave you naked. Through it all, don’t forget your king. You’re still alive, it’s not over yet.

Your move, mate.

What's Your Inspiration?

I've had this question directed at me many times before, and I'm almost certain I'm gonna continue hearing it going forward. I've never had a direct answer, mostly because I hate answering such vague questions (my close friends will confirm this) but also because there's so much that inspires me. In this article, I will try and list a few (just a few) of those things and hopefully drive the reader to discover their own drivers in life.

I was raised in Umlazi by my mother, her sisters and my many grandmothers, and my earliest years were spent going back and forth between my one grandmother's house at J-section and my other grandmother's house at B-section. Staying there, I was exposed to the best and the worst that the township life has to offer. I can honestly say right now that besides my mother's two brothers, before I got to high school I never really had any positive male role models (my father passed away when I was five months old and until recently, I was never close to my father's side of the family). So I had to look around the neighbourhood to find male role models, men I could possibly aspire to be one day. And when I looked, what I saw shocked me.

Even at the tender age of 8, I was looking at the men around me, all these men who wanted me to call them Uncle and I was thinking "I don't wanna be like this". I was looking at these men who smelled permanently of Smirnoff Vodka and Castle Milk Stout and were eyeing my sister and I was thinking "I don't want to be this kind of man". I would hear them telling stories of how they beat their girlfriends up just for the heck of it, and they would advise me ukuthi "Umfazi uyashaywa mshana" and I would look at my mother, sister and aunts and think "I don't wanna do that". I would look at this man who was living off his mother's pension at the age of 27 and still making babies all over the place (and his mother would raise those babies from her pension) and I would think "Hello no!!"..... and so I decided, at that young age, that I would strive to be the opposite of everything I was observing in these "men" who surrounded me. I don't really remember how the thought process went in my head. I doubt I had even developed a solid thought process at the time. But even back then, I made that decision, which has shaped the way I view life for as long as I can remember. I was also motivated by tales that I used to hear about my father (apparently he was an exceptional man and teacher) and I somehow knew that he would have raised me to be different from all of this.

However, a few years later I had another milestone which has also shaped how I view life. In 1995 my mother bought a house at W-section in Umlazi and the three of us (me, my mother and my sister) moved there. It was a new development and we were one of the first families to move there, so there were very few houses and even fewer potential friends. However, there was a public library just down the road. And with a drought of things to do when I came back from school, I started visiting the library, on an almost daily basis. And what an effect this had on me!! In-between reading Obelix & Asterix, The Famous Five, The Hardy Boys and Sweet Valley High (don't judge me), I also read a lot of the more serious books on history, culture, mathematics, astronomy etc etc. And I was always fascinated by all these people I was reading about who had achieved extraordinary things. Then one day I had an epiphany. "If these men and these women could do it, what's stopping you? If these men and these women could master it, what's stopping you?" And that's when my obsession with exceeding the average was solidified in me. I went through all high school with the mindset that there was absolutely no reason whatsoever why I couldn't achieve top marks in all my subjects all the time, no exception. And it worked!! I won't go into the detail (bragging is sooo 2010) but it worked.

What's the point of all this? One of the things which is keeping black, township raised people from rising above the status quo is the view that this is the way it is and there's no way to change. We are raised to conform to the way things are done. If you try to raise the bar, you are accused of being a model-C (till today, there are many people who struggle to believe that I never went to a model-C school, that I was educated in the township from A to Z). Everyone wants to be like everyone else. This is your lot, black man, conform, do as the rest do. I thank God that He blessed me with a different mindset, a desire to succeed through it all. As I've always said, God didn't give me this oversized head for nothing.

I've just listed two of my inspirations here, those that were developed somewhere inside my head. There's a lot, lot more and I will go into these in a future piece. But I challenge you to find your inspiration as well. Find a reason to push boundaries, to challenge the norm, to be the benchmark. Be inspired to be an inspiration. Make people envy you. You have it inside of you. No, it's not an option, it's your responsibility.

Give me your thoughts in the comments section below.

I rest........

Christian Tendencies vs Christ-like Behavior

One thing that you tend to quickly realize when you’re always surrounded by people who claim to be Christians is the blatant way in which they use the Bible and Christian values to hide their very non-Christian tendencies. There’s a lot of smokescreen religiousness inside the house of God, and that’s the reason why a number of people remain unconvinced of Christ.

For example, suppose you offend a Christian somehow, say, they swear at you. The normal, human reaction would be to retaliate, of course. But because this person you’ve offended is a Christian, he knows he can’t retaliate, at least not in public if his Christian faith is public knowledge. He has to brush this off, “turn the other cheek” and walk away, and ideally he should forget this happened. But no, this is not what happens. The typical Christian will say “You have sworn at me, but it is against my Christian faith to take revenge, so I forgive you my brother, I will pray for you”. Very sweet words then, but it’s wrong because you know very well that is NOT what he means. He isn’t forgiving you just like that, no. he’s saying these words because he wants you to feel bad for daring to offend a Christian, and he wants you to apologize! He’s guilt-tripping you, as only a Christian person can. And he’s doing it for his own ego. Not to teach you to not do it again, not to show you love. Purely for his ego, that’s all.

There’s a variety of other instances, examples that can be drawn up where Christians use their “faith” to take advantage of other people. It’s a pity because this does not help anyone, least of all themselves. They are no different from the Pharisees and the teachers of the Law, those whom the Lord Jesus was never shy to call curses upon, because they were abusing the authority given to them. And it is because of pretenders like these that you have people who refuse to be invited to churches, not because they are opposed to the Gospel, but because they have been exposed to such horrible examples. I know of people whose parents are pastors and priests and hold positions of authority in their churches. These people grew up inside a church, but as grown-ups they want to have nothing to do with any churchy stuff. You ask them why, and they tell you about the bad examples they saw in their own parents. People who turned the Bible upside-down so they could achieve their own short-sighted agendas, while doing damage to the rest of the Kingdom.

Let us strive to show Christ in everything we do. Let’s emulate Christ. He said “Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29). Only is this way can we multiply the talents that have been given to us. By exhibit Christian tendencies (things which have become expected of Christians over the years) instead of true Christ-like behaviours, then we are truly wasting our time. It is better for you to enjoy your life here on earth and give pleasure to your flesh openly, then to live a cloaked life and lose your salvation anyway.

Give a monkey too much power

The Sterile Motherland

There's really nothing in the world which gets under my skin more than when I look at the conditions of the "dark continent", our land, Africa. Our continent has served as a lowly-paid prostitute for the rest of the planet for as long as anyone can remember. From the times of the great general Hannibal, when Rome razed Carthage to the ground, to present day, Africa has always been associated with war, famine, disease, corruption and every other plague you can think of. It's become common that when a negative event is observed anywhere on the continent, people utter the phrase TIA (This Is Africa), because nothing good can be expected from us anyway.

And the reason why this pisses me off so much is because it is all so unnecessary. And it by no means random. This land has been systemically raped, plundered and left for dead over the generations, by the Europeans, Asians and Arabs, through colonization, being used as bases in times of war, slave trade etc. But, the sad story is, the people who have been most active in the continued rape of the Motherland are the leaders of our countries.

From the times of the slave trade, its the same story over and over again. Do not think for a second that when they came to the continent to collect slaves, the Europeans would just come in, burn everything to the ground, kill, destroy and lead the natives back to their ships bound in chains, while the natives themselves had put up and solid fight and only lost because of inferior weaponry. Sadly, this is not the case. It is not widely documented, but it is a known fact that the European slave traders would generally take slaves from any domestic tribe, after negotiations with the leaders of those tribes!! Why do you think you never hear stories of some great African king or chief who was taken captive and became a slave in the USA or Europe? Why do you think that, more often than not, after the slave traders had come and gone, the kings would be left rich, having sold their land and people for Western wealth? The slave trade would never have gone as smoothly and as effeciently as it did without assistance from the source of the slaves. Of course, it was never explicit, and there were never any signed contracts, or evidence left behind. But even if you use your head, you would see that the trade could not have happened without inside cooperation.*

No, the truth is even centuries ago, African leaders had acquired a taste for European trinkets, and they were not beyond selling some of their own to gain access to those trinkets. That is the unfortunate truth. And sadly, this practice continues today. African leaders still choose personal wealth, security and power over the well-being of the people they lead. This is the reason why most (if not all) of our heads of states hold massive Swiss bank accounts, and their palaces rival anything Europe has to offer, but their people continue in squalor. That is why even the African Union chooses to shelter their buddies, to the detriment of the people.

Our continent has the potential to rival the whole world in every area. We have natural resources, vast reserves which havent even been explored yet. South African trained CEO's are some of the most sought after in the world. African academics hold positions of authority at universities on every continent. Right now, the highest paid footballer in the world is an African. I could go on and on. We are operating so far below capacity it's sad. But we are nowhere near where we could be, because we have been throttled by beaurocracy on every scale. Tribalism, xenophobia, pride. Those are the common threads in all our economies.

Of course, I'm very well aware of the outside influences on our situation. The fact is the western world would rather have a poor Africa, for the sake of preserving their own interests. Case in point: after the end of World War II, the USA put together the Marshall Plan, which was a plan to revive the European and Japanese economies and make them more prosperous than before the war. And it worked!! About 4 years after the initialization of the plan, almost all European economies were stronger than they had been before the war. However, when it comes to Africa, we have USAID which is more concerned about feeding Africans while putting more money into the bank accounts of African leaders. Nothing about economic development and promoting indipendence for the states. This is just one example which most people are not aware of, there are many more elaborate examples. So the influence of the West is there in our poverty.

But, this situation has been allowed to prevail. It isnt random, and the West isnt just taking advantage of an random horrible situation. Our people suffer because of complacency, looking the other way. And it is up to us to end it.

Now, I have not studied history or political science or economics or journalism or any other subject which would make me an expert in the above subject in any conceivable way. I'm just an observer, and I write what I have observed. This one post was just a rant, for now. I have my own views on the way forward.

Till then, ngiyayigoba,
Mzwandile

*(Disclaimer: I'm very well aware that force was definitely used by the slave traders in acquiring slaves. I'm not being naive, most slave traders were also skilled soldiers and generals from their respective countries, and knew the art of bloody coersion. I was just making a point, that cooperation did occur on a massive scale during the slave trade)

Ain't Nothing "Kewl" About It

I've mentioned before, in a previous post on this blog, that I'm not a big fan of slang. The main reason for this (and I might as well confess this upfront) is that I'm not very good at slang. I have no idea why, but my head is just not tuned to the frequency of the street. Just the other day I found out the South African R50 note is called a "Pinky". It's clear enough why people would name the note Pinky (it's pink), but at the time I heard it, I was baffled. And the most embarrassing thing was, I heard this from a pastor, of all people!! But, besides that, there’s other reasons why I’m not a fan of slang, mostly because the majority of slang is stupid and people just play with words… for the sake of playing with words. I’ve actually noticed that most of it originates from bored people who really have nothing better to do with their time than to cull a language of it sincerity. My honest opinion, anyway.

Here’s another confession: I’m not a big fan of SMS shorthand either. However, not to the extent that I’m against slang. See, I can understand the need for SMS text, or at least it originally intended use. Long, long ago, before the inventions of MMS, Mxit, Whatsapp, BBM and the like, there was an ancient form of communication called “Short Message Service” (SMS). That “short” there is a vital word, because you could only fit 160 individual characters into each SMS, and there was a cost to sending an SMS, so if you were on a tight budget, you had to find a way to use as little real estate as possible while telling your ex-girlfriend how much you love her at 03:00 am on a Tuesday. Hence, we all found ways of shortening what we write, and hey presto! LOL was born, along with all her siblings and cousins, and we could text as much as we wanted. Well, that’s the main argument, really. Most people just used shorthand because they were lazy to type out whole words. Yeah, blame OBE for the current state of our education system if you want, I blame the Nokia 3310 and 1100.

So, to an extent, SMS text is justified. I also use it (to a very limited degree) from time to time. But there are instances when it ventures into the realm of sheer stupidity and utter pointlessness. Case in point, the word “kewl”. I hate this word, with a passion. If it existed in physical form I’d throw my wet, stinky undies at it after playing a game of soccer. In case you’ve never come across this monstrosity of a term, this degradation of all of human civilization, this worthless thing which dares to be referred to as a word… consider yourself lucky. I personally believe that this word is the one reason why mankind hasn’t colonized the moon just yet. It’s gained popularity in recent times as a replacement for the word “cool”. Stupid.

Remember how I said earlier that SMS text was used to save space typing on a cellphone? Well, this word achieves absolutely nothing in its quest to save space. Notice that it has 4 characters, exactly the same number of characters as the word that it’s supposed to replace. And it’s pronounced in exactly the same way!! The only difference is in the spelling, and in my view the new spelling is harder to grasp than the original. Kewl, urgh. It’s totally pointless in my eyes, and I have absolutely no respect whatsoever for people who use the term (ja, ngisho wena, ungaphiki nje ukuthi nawe uyalisebenzisa leli gama menemene ndini).

Imagine the implications of the continued use of the word. School would become “skewl”, fool would become “fewl”, tool would become “tewl”…. The extent of the possible corruption is endless! If we allow this trend to continue, our country will continue sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss of rampant foolhardiness until we wake up too late and we can’t reverse the rot. I am seriously considering escalating this matter to the national administration. The future of my children and my children’s children depends on it. Let’s tackle this matter first and once we’ve eliminated it completely, trust me, crime, unemployment and crumbling infrastructure will be child’s play to resolve. This right here is the Goliath we need to bring down before we can pursue the rest of the Amalekites. Let’s all make a pledge to aim a smooth stone right into the temple of the word “kewl”. This, my fellow humans, is for your future. Onezindlebe makezwe.

I rest,

Mzwandile

IsiZulu Soqobo

A lesson in Higher Grade isiZulu, courtesy of writer Ndumiso Ngcobo. Feel free to use the following words at will, you'll earn yourself immediate respect among the citizens of the Zulu Kingdom, the Empire in the Heavens :)

-Ukhophokanethi - one whose eyelashes never get rained on. This refers to an individual with a forehead which juts out of her skull like my friend Sphongo.

-Umzimb'obongayo - one whose body gives thanks. This refers to an individual of gigantic proportions such as my tub of lard of a friend we call Riba.

-Isinqandamathe - one who catches your saliva. This is your significant other. No need to go into the sordid details.

-Ukhandalimtshelokwakhe - one whose head tells him rubbish. We knew about such things long before Sigmund Freud and his disciples recognised the fact that some people's behaviour is governed by voices in their heads. This word describes sociopathic individuals who wreak havoc within society.

-Ilambalidlile - one who looks hungry after eating. Long jump Olympic medallist, Khotso Mokoena is a perfect example of this; bulky frame with a sinewy waist.

-Uthwalitshe - he who is perpetually carrying a boulder. I hate this word because it's what I was called many a time in school playgrounds throughout my life to describe the fact that I am well-endowed above the shoulders.

-Umgod'onganukwanja - a hole that even dogs don't sniff at. This is a cruel word describing a woman who doesn't seem to attract suitors. Ouch.

-Insuzelakude - one who emits flatulence from afar. This word describes an individual who the ancestors have blessed with an impressive set of gluteus maximus muscles. It's a word that a prominent TV football analyst once employed to describe the current Bafana Bafana coach Pitso Mosimane during his playing days over 20 years ago.

Ngiyayigoba (I rest),

Mzwandile

Women should NOT have children after 35!!

This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it. Women should not have children after 35!

I strongly believe that I can back up this statement with sound psychological, medical, and financial data. Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!" They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter. I don't care what the doctor says. I don't care what your friends say. I don't even care what your pastor says. Women should not have children after 35!

I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it, and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it." You can quote me on this. If you want to say that Mzwandile said it, then so be it. I said it. And I said it more than once. "Women should not have children after 35!"

Some will post rude comments proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said. You may disagree with me, that's your right. I still stand firm on the issue. With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue. If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception. Women should not have children after 35!

Because really now, 35 children are enough.....

The Ten Commandments of Doing "Good" in Business

1. The customer is always right. Even when he is wrong.

2. Don't promise what you know you can't deliver.

3. Honor your verbal contracts with the same seriousness as you honor written agreements.

4. When negotiating, always aim for a deal that is as good for your partner as it is for you.

5. If a deal turns out badly for your partner but stays good for you, change it to be fair to him.

6. Always pay your employees as much as or more than they are worth - or, if that is impossible, as much as you can afford to pay them, with the promise of making it up to them later.

7. Share your business wisdom with everyone, including your competitors.

8. Never engage in gossip. Speak as if the person you are speaking about will find out what you are saying. (Because he will.)

9. Never take advantage of your vendors simply because you can. Your goal should be to compensate them fairly, even if it means paying them more than the market demands.

10. Never engage in recriminations and try to avoid litigation. In the long run, it is better to be the screwee rather than the screwer.

- Micheal Masterson

Nginibhaqile

Khaphela catches Senzo and Jason red-handed. Hilarious!!!

Unconditional Faithfulness

In the book of Daniel, in the third chapter, we read about King Nebuchadnezzar who:
1. Had the most awesome name EVER in the history of humankind, EVER!
2. Was a rabid lunatic.

He set up an image of gold and then ordered everyone in his vast kingdom to bow down and worship the image or die. The bible doesnt go into detail as to what the purpose of this image was, if it was a diety associated with anything in particular, so clearly this detail isnt very important... to us. But it was helluva important to king 'Chad, because he declared that anyone who doesnt bow down to his image will be immediately thrown into a burning oven. Immediately.

The heroes of this story, however, are three Jews named Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. This event occured during one of the many, many times in history where Middle Eastern nations were engaging in their favourite pasttime i.e. hating on Israel. So most of the Jews were second class citizens at the time. These three men, though, had managed to distinguish themselves profoundly with their spirit of excellence and faithfulness, and had endeared themselves to the king, even being placed in positions of authority throughout the kingdom. Naturally, haters sprung up all over the place, and they were always looking for an opportunity to smear mud on their faces.

This opportunity presented itself when king 'Chad decided to erect this image of gold. Being devout Jews and very, very faithful to their God, our three heroes decided to give the king's order the proverbial middle finger, and they continued praying to their God. You know the story, the haters rushed to the king to inform him of the rampant insubordination. Our crazy king decided to have the three men brought before him, and he ordered them to bow to the gold image immediately, or risk being thrown into the oven. This is when our heroes uttured what I believe are some of the most courageous words to ever exit a human mouth:

King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in
this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve
is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s
hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty,
that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up
- Daniel 3:16-18

Notice how our heroes chose to not put their wellbeing first, but placed their faithfulness above all else. Notice how their faith in God's abilities never wavered. And, importantly, notice how their faithfulness to God was unconditional! They had a complete faith in God and His abilities to rescue them from the oven. However, they said even is He doesnt rescue them, they will stay faithful. Even if He doesnt show Himself in their lives, they will stay faithful. Their faith didn't depend on God displaying His power for all to see. They knew Him, they knew who they were serving, and they knew that God is much, much more than His powers and His miracles. They knew that He cannot be contained in a small box of miracles. He defines His powers, His powers do not define Him!! And because of this attitude of unconditional faith, God was compelled to come down and rescue them Himself. He did not send a legion of angel, but He came down Himself! Most bible scholars believe that the fourth man who was seen in the oven was actually Jesus Christ, and we know that Jesus is God, so God came down Himself to rescue them.

Now how many Christians have conditional faith. Visual faith and faithfulness. "God, if you dont do this for me, I will stop coming to church" or "God, if you don't do this for me, you're not the real God". Love and faithfulness based on miracles. Based on what God can do for you. Of course, this is how most people come to know God, by what He can do for them (I came 'coz there was free food in the youth group). But we need to move beyond that. We need to seek to know more of God, to the point that our faithfulness is not dependent on the material, because we know the creator of the material. Whether we are provided for physically or not, we stay faithful.

Please note that this does NOT mean just accepting whatever appalling physical condition we may be in at any given time (que Gideon and King Hezekiah). We approach His throne with confidence and remind Him of His promises of providence to us as the need arises. But regardless of all of this, we stay faithful, we dont abandon our cross, we are prepared to face a blazing furnace for what we believe in. Even when we cry out in pain, we are still faithful (que Job). This is faithfulness.

Ngiyayigoba,
Mzwandile